Probably the biggest challenge to those of us wanting to
live conscious spiritual lives in these rapidly transforming
times is the changing form and expectations of romantic
courtship, relationship, and marriage. The traditional models
are rapidly disappearing, and the foundation for new forms
is wobbly.
In this series of articles,
I offer you my thoughts and experience in this realm. Your
comments and feedback can be an important part of a vital
dialog that will contribute to new and expanded possibilities
for modern love and relationship. I will update these articles
a we go along. Let’s jump right in with a look at
intimacy.
When my dictionary defines
intimacy, it beings with a close personal relationship,
and after a few less interesting ideas, ends with sexual
intercourse (used euphemistically). Unfortunately, the same
dictionary does not define any derivation of euphemistically,
but it means using mild language to tone down something
harsh or offensive. So, we use the word intimate”as
a way of obliquely referring to sex. Or, of course, a close
personal relationship.
So how do we define a
close personal relationship? It is an unfortunate result
of our childhood domestication that most of us are afraid
of being seen. Our parents saw us, in our first close personal
relationships, and rejected us as not good enough, not smart
enough, too smart for our britches, not quiet enough, too
loud, or whatever particular set of standards of Good and
Bad they were dreaming. Our worst offenses were usually
related to free expressions of our emotions. We cried, laughed,
sang out, jumped on things and ran in joy, pouted, and yelled
in anger.
When we learned those
emotional expressions were not acceptable (go to your room
until you stop that crying), we knew we had to deny them
in order to survive as part of our families. In the place
of our denied truth, we mocked-up the appropriate behaviors
that would assure our acceptance. We learned to wear masks
to please our caregivers so they would take care of us.
Now, as adults, we expect
ourselves and each other to be intimate and reveal and share
our truth as it arises in our feelings and emotions. Fat
chance! Been there, done that! Intimacy has become the most
desired and dreaded part of human relationships.
We want to be seen, known, appreciated, loved, and accepted—and
yet the old fear of being judged and rejected is very strong,
and most of us rely on our masks to substitute for real
connection.
Is this making sense?
Do you recognize it?
Very often at personal
growth workshops we create experiences where people look
in to each other’s eyes. For many, it is a very uncomfortable
exercise. The reason seems to be that the eyes are the only
vulnerable hole it people’s masks. If you are uncomfortable
when someone gazes too long into your eyes (I think the
standard agreement is under 2 seconds), is it because you
are afraid of what they might see or find out? Will they
find out all the bad and undesirable feelings and behaviors
that your Inner Judge criticizes you for—and then
reject you? None of this is good or bad, right or wrong,
or a spiritual success or failure… simply the truth
of the ways we each manage our levels of intimacy to stay
comfortable.
I would like to redefine
intimacy as our willingness to be open and present and share
ourselves with others.” When two people can share
this openness and presence, they can be said to have an
intimate relationship.”
What are we intimate about?
The very feelings and emotions that we have repressed and
denied for so long. We open ourselves to be seen, without
fear of being judged or rejected. We stay present in our
experience of other people, and their experience of us.
This level of openness
requires an intimacy with our own emotional truth,
our willingness to accept it as it is, and the courage to
share it with others.
In the next article in
this series (#2), I share more about how this level of emotional
intimacy is attained, how it feels, and how to practice
it in romantic and all relationships—especially
the one with yourself.
