Early in
1995, I dreamed one night that I was in a simple little
cafe somewhere, maybe in Mexico. As I was leaving, I noticed
an older Mexican man sitting in a booth with a younger man,
talking earnestly. I knew as I saw them that the older man
was a teacher, or Nagual, and I said to myself, "I want
a teacher like that! He is like don Juan in the Castaneda
books." As I began to stop, I decided that they were speaking
Spanish and that there would be no way to communicate with
them, so I continued out the door. When I got outside, I
realized that they were speaking English, but it was clear
to me in the dream that it was too late to go back. I had
missed my opportunity.
I vowed
that I would never let that opportunity pass again.
Within a few weeks, the
events of my life lead me to don Miguel Ruiz, the Nagual
of the Toltec Eagle Knight lineage. I did not let the opportunity
pass. In those early days, we drove the two hours from our
home in Santa Rosa to Sacramento whenever he visited, sitting
on the floor in living rooms of various apprentices, soaking
up the magic of don Miguel's love and the wisdom of the
Toltecs.
As an apprentice, I was
a tough case. I already "knew" too much. Shortly after I
met don Miguel I went on my first power journey to the Toltec
pyramids at Teotihuacán. Before we went, we were
told to bring two 9 volt batteries because there was going
to be a very large group, and they were going to give us
walkie-talkie headsets so we could hear Miguel. I was already
not liking the whole thing. I was a workshop leader, I was
a therapist, and I "knew" a lot about teaching and workshops.
So this trip was already not looking too good. Too many
people! I thought Miguel was pretty interesting, and I intended
to have some quality time with him, preferably alone. I
needed him to give me the freedom from my pain that I was
searching for!
So I went on the trip,
and from that start in my mind, it kin da went down hill.
I tried to like it, but about half way through the experience,
I was lost in the group, listening to Miguel on the headset,
not getting the special attention I thought I needed, and
then Miguel asked other people in the group to help, to
lead the work. People that I didn't even know! It put me
over the edge. I was really upset about it. I paid money
to Miguel, and I wanted Miguel to teach me. Here he had
these other people teaching and immediately I decided that
they weren't doing it very well. You have to remember I
"knew" a lot about workshops. Sounds like Hell, doesn't
it?
I knew I was judging--
I knew a lot about the judge because I knew about psychology.
I was filled with poison, and I knew that if I could dump
it somewhere I could get rid of it. But where? Who? So I
picked someone that I thought would listen to my poison,
and started telling them my opinion about Miguel. "Miguel
is doing this all wrong, and I don't want to put up with
this, and who are these people anyway, and why isn't he
paying more attention to me," and on and on.
And Miguel knew. That
evening, when we had class, Miguel called me up and put
me in front of the room to do some work with me to help
me see my judge and why I was in hell and what the problem
was. What my problem was by then was that I felt embarrassed
in front of all of those strangers, and it was going downhill
even faster. He was trying to help me out of my hell, but
I couldn't hear it. He even told a wonderful story about
Sidartha and Maya, but I was so lost in hell I never heard
the story at all. I didn't hear a thing he said. And when
he got all done he said, "Now look at all of them, what
do you see?", as if the story had shifted my perspective
or something. But I had not been able to listen to it. Then
I was really in trouble, really in hell, there was no way
I could do this right. But I knew the right answer... so
I looked out there and said "I see love in everyone."
I was not fooling him
in the least, of course! I was hoping for "Good boy, you
can sit down now," but he kept trying to help me. I was
a tough apprentice. And you know what I wanted to tell him?
"You don't get that I get it! I understand what I'm doing.
I don't have to go through this." I wanted him to know who
I thought I was, and that I was hip to what was going on
here, and I didn't need this teaching. I still wasn't getting
it.
That night I sat in my
room and tried to understand what was going on. I was pretty
confused because I thought I was rather sophisticated about
psychology and the sub-personalities like the Judge, but
I really did not understand what Miguel expected of me.
Finally, I went to sleep.
The next morning we had
class, and Miguel addressed my confusion point by point.
I don't know what was worse: not understanding what he was
trying to teach me or realizing that he had some way of
knowing what I was thinking. I still did not get it. I was
still afraid, still not understanding why my answer about
seeing love was not the "right" answer. I was used to knowing
the right answers.
There was no big revelation
that awakened me. I don't remember anything that don Miguel
said or did that shifted my "reason" out of all that it
"knew."
But somewhere near the
end of that week in Teotihuacán, drawn into Miguel's
powerful dream of unconditional love and acceptance, healed
by the power of Teo itself... by the time I had walked the
Avenue of the Dead and arrived in the plaza we call "Heaven,"
I was in heaven, I was in Love. And what a relief! It wasn't
the end of hell in my life by any means, but I found out
what heaven tasted like, and there was no turning back,
no saying, "Well, so what?" And so my need for heaven, my
thirst, my hunger for heaven and love just got stronger
and stronger and stronger.
But you know, for another
year I still "knew" all the answers. I still needed my mask
that said "I already know that. Maybe I can help you understand
it." I needed my strategy, my mask, to satisfy my need for
perfection. I could not afford to not know. I could not
really be a student. I had to already know all the answers
I am really grateful
for a couple of little moments. We were at an apprentice
meeting in Los Angeles, and we were going to lunch. We were
standing at the back of Miguel's car, and I asked him a
personal question about myself.
I had never really hung
out with Miguel in a personal relationship. I just stayed
in the back of the room, listening. First of all, I was
afraid that if I got too close, he would find out that I
didn't really "know." Better to stay near the back, nodding
my head, and saying "Good point, Miguel, good point!" And
I took notes, lots of notes, in case I had to repeat what
he said-- like there would be a test or something, and I
had to have the right answers.
He was sort of unnerving,
because even if I sat up close and caught his eye and nodded
vigorously, as if to say "Good point, Miguel, we are on
the same page here," I could never hook his attention. He
would never give me the look that smiled and said, "Yes,
son, I'm glad you know what I'm talking about." I was always
left flopping around wearing my know-it-already mask. But
I held on to it!
So there I was, at the
back of his car, putting something in the trunk, and I asked
him my question. And he answered me, he gave me a gift.
And I said something like: "Oh, yeah, that's what I thought,
I know that. That's what I do."
Shortly afterward, one
of the other apprentices said to me, "Do you know what you
just did?" And I heard it. It was a little like my dream,
walking away from the teacher. Right there I stopped doing
it, and that is when I really started learning from Miguel.
I finally became his apprentice that day.
It wasn't until our journey
to Peru, some months later, that I burned that mask. In
a fire ceremony at Pisac. I burned my mask that said "I
already know," in that sacred fire.
After burning my mask,
however, I felt like a scared little boy that was saying:
"Without my mask, I can't protect myself. I don't know the
answers. Nobody will like me." And a very dear teacher,
la Doņa, pointed out to me that the frightened little boy
was a mask, also. That scared little boy wasn't who I truly
was either. I am a man, and a man of personal power, if
I would only believe it. So I burned that mask too. I burned
it in the sacred fire at Pisac. When I burned that second
mask, I didn't need the first one at all. Then I was really
ready to be an apprentice. Then I could really learn what
it means to love and to be loved without condition. I could
open my heart to Miguel, to all of my brothers and sisters,
and be in service to a wonderful new dream. And I still
am.
The punch line to my story is that I returned to Teo (and Peru, Guatemala) with don Miguel many times since that first trip, and he did a perfect job. I have no complaints. It is amazing how he improved so rapidly! And now I am one of those people that teach, the ones that I was so afraid of those many years ago. My final few years with don Miguel were at his monthly Dreaming Intensives, and I am grateful for that experience with him. In 2005 I ended my formal association with don Miguel, and now carry his Toltec lineage through my websites, travel, and teaching. I remain eternally grateful for his guidance on this journey of Life, and do hope that you and I can share it some day.
IN love.
